January 15
To: Church Staff
From: Pastor Bill
This is to inform you about some happenings in the church building that have been causing some consternation to our flock. These behaviors must stop as they are clearly the work of someone who is challenged in knowing right from wrong. I am referring to the hanging of garlic wreaths around the doors and windows of the church and the distribution of flyers warning of vampires. Whoever is doing this, please stop.
January 18
To: Church Staff
From: Pastor Bill
This is the second time I’ve felt the need to write about this topic and I’m very upset. All of the holy water in the church was loaded into super-soakers and place at intervals in the sanctuary along with baskets of wooden stakes. This behavior must stop immediately!
January 21
To: Church Staff
From: Pastor Bill
Damnit people. Enough is enough. Ringing the church with crosses and changing the sign out front to say, “Bloodsuckers not welcome here!” isn’t helping anyone get closer to God. This has gone too far and when I catch whoever is doing this, I’m gonna call down the wrath of the almighty and all his apostles upon them. And for the last time, there isn’t going to be a “Vampire self defense course” after Sunday tea. I don’t care what the posters say.
January 24
To: Church Staff
From: Pastor Bill
Goddamnit! This is the last straw you little mother-grabbing, Twilight-watching heathens. All of my clerical collars were dipped in silver and are now completely ruined. Despite the assertion that our church is the base for Vampire slayers, this will do you no good if I ever catch the person who spray painted the words, “Home of Van Helsing’s heir” on the side of the building. I’m done with this and if I do catch you I will drive a stake through your evil little heart myself.
realreally 